Fire and Brimstone
by govtcheese
Summary: When Matsuda tries to help the investigation via a Google search, he comes to the only logical conclusion, Chuck Norris is Kira! Like I have to even state that this is Crack.


**Fire and Brimstone**

Summary: When Matsuda tries to help the investigation via a Google search, he comes to the only logical conclusion, Chuck Norris is Kira!

Like I have to even state that this is Crack.

Disclaimer: Come on! Look at the summary.

Matsuda's heart sank. His world revolved around nine pm, channel 8. But tonight channel 8 revolved, like the rest of the world, around Kira.  
The easy going agent sighed audibly. He knew he was of no help to L, the Japanese police force, much less the high profile case.  
But he didn't like to think about it.  
He _liked_ to sit behind his TV dinner, watch prime time shows, and pretend he understood them.  
He_ liked_ to leave Work at the office, but tonight Work was in the 'West Wing'.  
He reached for the remote. Work, as it so happened, was in 'Orange County' too.  
Work was on 'the Next bus' , at the 'crime scene', and though he couldn't really comprehend why or how, Work was 'digging for the truth' .  
Defeated Matsuda resolved to his other temporary escape.

He staggered over to his desktop. Over 4,000 new emails. This didn't surprise him, ever since he had become Misa Amane's agent, he seemed to be the post popular guy in the world of spam. He knew that this too, was part of his job, a part that he could do quite well, but there were more important matters at hand.  
Eagar, he tried to log on to his massive multiplayer online role playing game, but the system was down for repairs. Matsuda looked again at his inbox, seeing, but not reading, all the administrative stuff that went with managing a pop princess. Her K-mart line was due to come out in a month, and her first album not long after.

It would sure be a busy time for Matsu-chan (as Misa often referred to him).

In this moment though, he felt depressed, and worthless, which he guessed wet hand-in-hand. _He was working on the KIRA case damn it_, and the only thing he was actually doing was helping the girlfriend of the son of the police chief become a household name.  
He leaned back in his chair to better contemplate his relative insignificance.

Then, he leaned forward, and curled his legs under him. Uncomfortable, yes, but he wanted to make sure he got this right. He was sure that L and Ratio were hard at real work right now, examining evidence, cracking codes. Matsuda did like role playing, and thought that maybe, since he had lost all his mental hideaways anyway, maybe just once he would spend a night being a real detective.

Smiling, he went to . In the search bar he typed in 'kira'.  
...

The next morning Matsuda rushed to the office. If he didn't have to take the highway to get there, he would have been skipping.

"You're carrying a brief case," L immediately observed. Indeed, he was. "why"  
Matsuda just smiled. Reality was just setting in. He had achieved the impossible.  
L, however, lost interest and looked away.  
Matsuda decided now was the time to speak. "Gentlemen, I have solved the case, I know who Kira is"  
Ratio raised his eyebrow, but that was the only reaction Matsuda's big news received.  
L, Mogi, Aizawa, Aiber, Wedy, and Yagami didn't so much as turn there heads.  
Not to be so quickly defeated, Matsuda opened his exciting new briefcase and took its contents, a tedious stack of papers and slammed them down in front of L.  
"I've solved the Kira case." He said again, with no less enthusiasm than the first time he had spoken those words.  
L, read over the first page and the handed it to Ratio, who read aloud " Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as¼ Chuck Norris"  
"Chuck Norris has two speeds, walk and kill. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live"  
L's eyes, became, if possible, rounder. "where did you find all this?" , he inquired.

"Google."

"Seriously?", Ratio asked, "Because all I found when I used that search engine were things like 'buy KIRA on Amazon' and stuff like that." he laughed, but stopped abruptly, when L again spoke:

"It is so absurd, its plausible. Its part of the human condition to want to tell others when you accomplish something, horrible as it may be. Until now I was working under the assumption that Kira was some spoiled freshmen with a god complex but you theory has real merit. I'll inform Watari."

The whole operation stared at the hygienically challenged boy genius and then focused on Matsuda.  
"I- I've arranged an audition, for Misa Misa, to be in a movie with him."

No one spoke.

A/N: Alright so I wrote this when I got home after third shift (The idea had been plaguing me all night!) and I understand that what seem brilliant at 4 in the morning is most likely stupid as hell in waking hours.  
That said, I have every intention to continue with this plot.  
Stay tuned for the next chapter when Matsuda visit's a sex therapist, Misa Misa gets involved in the NRA, and Watari teaches L how to be a hooker (in rugby of course!)


End file.
